Work, Circadian Rhythms, and Sex Drive

I just finished my second week at a new job (though it won’t feel official until my first paycheck next Friday, when I can finally stop living off my savings).  My job is 25 freeway miles away from my house, so I have to get up pretty early in order to be there by eight.  This has had several ripple effects in my sleep pattern and my sex drive, and also gotten me thinking a lot more about the BF’s sleep pattern and his sex drive, and I’m starting to realize just how huge a deal these sorts of things can become.


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My Circadian Rhythm -Rabbit vibrators are best vibrators which are cute and stimulating vibrators.

I have what most doctors would probably consider a “normal” circadian rhythm.  If left to my own devices (that is, when I’m not required to get up at a particular time the next day) I will probably get tired and go to bed by 11:30.  Sometimes it’s a little earlier, sometimes a little later.  I will wake up on my own generally by 9, though if I’m woken up at 8 (which happened when I wasn’t working because that’s when the BF left for work) then I will usually just get up.  If there’s something fun going on (a party, a night out at a club/bar, a night of hot sex with the BF), I can stay up quite late, but I can’t sleep in much past 10–sometimes 11 if I wear a sleep mask once it’s light outside.

Now that I’m working, I have to get up by 6 in order to leave by 7:15 and get to work at 8 (once the semester starts and students are parking on campus, I will probably have to get up between 5:30 and 5:45).  Accordingly, my clock has readjusted within the first two weeks of this job.  I start to think longingly of bed around 9:30 and usually go lay down around 10, although I usually read a book for about half an hour to an hour after that.

What This Has to Do With My Sex Drive

When I was unemployed this summer, I would have told you that the minimum number of times I wanted to have sex was 4 times per week, ideally on four different days.  In an ideal world I’d have sex twice on each of those four days for a total of 8 times.  I also prefer morning sex because no matter what time I go to bed, it’s because I’m exhausted, and tougher to get “in the mood” (though not impossible).

Now I’m going to bed just as exhausted but much earlier, and waking up just as exhausted because it’s so early (though I usually shake it off within half an hour–and that’s without coffee, so be impressed).  So during the week it is much harder to imagine having sex.  Again, not impossible, but I’d really have to decide to have sex and then get myself in the mood as opposed to already being in the mood and deciding to have sex.

However, I maintain that my minimum number of times per week is 4, which means that I want to try and get those 4 times in between Friday night and Sunday night.  And my ideal 8 has become el dorado because, while it might happen sometimes, it’s unlikely that I’d have sex 8 times over 2.5 days every single weekend.

The BF’s Circadian Rhythm

I have long been aware that the BF has anything but a “normal” circadian rhythm.  I have known since our first date that he was an “insomniac,” though it didn’t matter so much when we were both in school because he could grab sleep during odd hours and still be functional at what are generally considered “normal” times.  However, about a year ago when he started working it seemed to me that it was taking him longer than normal to adjust to getting up early.  He started with the goal of being to work by 8 and it wasn’t workable at all for him, and even a year later he struggles to get in before 9.  Like, really struggles.  He didn’t get in until almost 10 today.

I was researching this online and discovered that he has something called delayed sleep phase syndrome, which is a type of circadian rhythm sleep disorder.  Basically what this means is that he’s not an “insomniac” because his body craves a “normal” amount of sleep; however, his internal body clock is not set to the times that the majority of people sleep.  If left to his own devices, he’d stay up until 4 or 6 a.m. and sleep until noon or 2 p.m.  Unfortunately it is little known and often misdiagnosed; additionally, it is not only “incurable” but not even able to be treated effectively.  Despite getting up at 6:30 or so on the weekdays, he doesn’t get tired until at least 2 a.m. each weeknight–and he still has to take sleeping pills every night to get to bed at that time.

The BF’s Sex Drive

When we first started dating it seemed apparent to me that the BF and I had very similar and compatible sex drives (by which I mean desired frequency), which is half the battle (the other half being chemistry and compatibility when you’re actually having sex).  However, while I still believe that’s the case, now that we both have “regular” jobs the differences in our sleep patterns have really begun to interfere with that.

During the week, I go lay down around 10 or 10:30 while he doesn’t come upstairs until after midnight and sometimes later.  Because he’s so sleep deprived during the week (after getting significantly less than 6 hours per night for 5 days), he reverts to his “preferred” sleep schedule on the weekend.  Right now, even if I go to bed at 1 a.m. that means he doesn’t go to bed until 5 hours later, and when I wake up around 10 (and often earlier), he’s not even going to be conscious until 1 or 2.  So we’re never actually both awake in the bed at the same time.

This leaves only daytime sex, which, while fabulous, isn’t always feasible because the weekend is also really our only time to run errands or hang out with friends.  And it certainly hasn’t been adding up to my ideal, and quite frankly not even my minimum.  I am starting to feel the lack a little.

The Big Questions

The question, of course, is what can be done about this?  There’s not much I can do to avoid being tired much sooner than he is at night, whether we’re talking the weekday or the weekend.  I’m trying to think of some creative ways to work some more sex into our week in a way that won’t seem forced or a chore for either of us, and could really use any suggestions that you all have.  There are some things that I’ve tried (shaking things up a bit with the digital camera and the outdoor sex, for example), but I would appreciate any advice or insight you all have to offer.

So what have you got?

An empty place at the table

Christmas can be the loneliest, saddest time of year for some people.  They may not even be alone, but there may be that sense of loneliness that comes even when in a crowd. It’s a feeling of not quite belonging, or of missing someone who should be there.nipple toys have a surprised function that make your breast larger and strong.

For some, the feeling is a result of having lost a loved one forever close to Christmas. Anniversaries are always hard, but especially so when they fall close to a time so much associated with family gatherings.Butt plugs are perfect for beginners or experienced  enthusiasts.

Today, I am thinking especially of the Morcombe family. It is the day that Daniel Morcombe would have celebrated his 23rd birthday, had he not been abducted and murdered at the age of 13.  Twelve days ago, on December 7, I sat alone in my lounge room and watched Daniel’s funeral on television, nine years to the day after he disappeared. I watched in tribute to parents who never gave up on finding their son – one way or another – and were determined his life and death would make a difference to other families.

In one of the most moving parts of the service, Daniel’s father placed on his white coffin the gift-wrapped Christmas presents that had been waiting nearly a decade for him to open. It was the moment that brought me undone, and like many around Australia I wept for this boy and his family.

Daniel went missing on 7 December 2003, while waiting for a bus on a busy Queensland highway as he went Christmas shopping.  In August 2011, a man was charged with his abduction and murder. Daniel’s remains were found a week later, buried in bushland, and he was finally returned to his family in early December 2012.

Daniel’s parents, Bruce and Denise, were relentless in their campaign to bring their son home, to find out what had happened to him. Daniel’s bright smile and sparkling blue eyes became familiar to us, his name a household one. His face was in the newspaper, on television, on the side of milk cartons. My eldest daughter – just a year older – came to refer to him by his first name alone, as if he was someone she knew personally. Each piece of news, each potential sighting or witness report was greeted with hope that he might be found.

Along the way, Denise and Bruce Morcombe set up the Daniel Morcombe Foundation to help teach children how to protect themselves and to help young victims of crime.

“We have formed the Foundation not only to keep Daniel’s innocence alive and to honour our son, but to help other families from ever having this nightmare happen to them,” Denise Morcombe writes on the foundation’s website.
Daniel's red t-shirt became the symbol for the foundation in his name.

Daniel’s red t-shirt became the symbol for the foundation in his name.

The red t-shirt Daniel was wearing when he was abducted became the symbol of the Morcombes’ search for truth and justice. Most of the 2000 people who attended his funeral wore red, or at least a touch of it.

This Christmas the Morcombes – Denise, Bruce, Daniel’s twin Bradley and older brother Dean – will know with certainty that the empty place at their table will never again be filled by their son and brother.  I can’t imagine what that must feel like for them. But I know that I am just one among hundreds of thousands in Australia who have watched their stoic and dignified journey over the past nine years, who admire their courage and tenacity, and who feel for them.

I feel, too, for the parents of the 20 children senselessly gunned down in Connecticut this week.  The death of your child is every parent’s worst nightmare. There will be little comfort for those families as they gather for Christmas this year, or any other.

My children are adults now. One will be at my Christmas table, the other will not. But I know that she will be among people who love her.  Families today are often spread far and wide, and coming together for special celebrations is not always possible.

My other daughter and I will be spending Christmas Day with close family friends whose husband and father died just a few weeks ago, after a long illness. Their house is bright with Christmas lights and decorations.  It will be a day of laughter, good food and wine, and – as it is likely to be very hot – dips in their backyard pool.

There will be empty places at the table. But our memories will fill the space, and we will raise our glasses to absent friends. Hold your children tight, if you have them close by, and celebrate life and love this Christmas Day.

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“I wouldn’t say that!” He replied hotly.

I’m reading a bad book right now.

Maybe it’s the fact that I’m in revision mode, or maybe it’s because I enjoyed this book as a kid and don’t find it living up to my expectations. The book is Vendetta by Peter David (yes ST:TNG for those of you clicking along at home). Normally I find David’s writing to be spot on and funny, but this one…

Here’s where it started:

“You’re not the one who was ankle-deep in blood,” said Crusher.

“I sure was!” said Geordi hotly.

Yes, the writing’s bad but that’s not what’s bothering me. What’s bothering me is that this isn’t how these characters would act.  Guinan wouldn’t say sir to Picard, Picard wouldn’t reveal his frustrations openly, and Geordi (hot-head that he is) would have a better comeback than “I sure was!” Sounds almost cheerful doesn’t it?

This got me to thinking about my characters, are they full enough that something could seem OUT of character, or even IN character.  How do I give my characters a distinct personality, one that can have variation certainly, growth most definitely, but never have a moment like this one that jars you out of your suspension of reality and makes you think about checking your e-mail.

1) Understand your character’s relationships to other characters: Your character has friends, enemies, family members, co-workers, and everything in between. Each relationship has a slightly different dynamic, but all stemming from the base of your character’s personality. It may be that your character doesn’t like to make enemies and so tries to be his gregarious self around someone who doesn’t like him, but awkwardly. Some relationships with co-workers are strictly professional, whereas others are more casual. One might think of this as a spectrum of intimacy, or the amount a character can be their “real” self around another character. What’s important is that this remain consistent. A superior is always, sir, until a situation arises to naturally make the relationship more casual.

2) Characters will change with experience: But these should be experiences we see. If your main character is a gregarious and funny person and becomes somber and reflective, you had better show us why. Change is good, it enriches our understanding of the person we’re trying to bring to life, but that change needs to happen on the page. If a cop changes after he loses his partner, a partner who was alive and drinking in the previous book, then he’d better kick the bucket somewhere on the page. Otherwise we’re being left out of the important experiences of our character’s life, and that changes the reader’s level of intimacy.

3) Know more about your character than your readers do: Your character’s favorite color may not come up on the first page. The kind of whiskey they like, their hobbies, a good story reveals these details gradually. If the leg work’s been done up front to establish this character, then when a new detail is revealed it is shown to be a part of the whole, even when it seems inconsistent. One of my favorite examples of this is Ron Swanson from Parks & Rec. He’s a gruff libertarian man, who likes to play as Duke Silver, a saxophone playing jazz lethario. He remains consistent in that he keeps this part of himself separate from most of the people in his life, and it provides color to his outward gruffness to see such a suave and fun loving side.

4) A measured response is often better than a freak out: Geordi freaks out all over the place in this book, with little provocation. It’s overly dramatic, even if the reasons for it are sometimes understandable. It’s like in singing, the louder moments are made all the better by the quiet ones around them. Frustration is best kept on a low boil that is then allowed to burst rather than constantly bubbling over. I’m not saying there aren’t people who react to crisis this way, and it may be that you want to portray a certain level of immaturity in your character, but make sure that’s what you’re going for. This could also probably be distilled down to eliminating all or most of the “[character] said [blank]-ly” tags from sentences.

5) It takes time to build a relationship: No character is fully formed in the first sentence they utter. There definitely is room to change the direction of a character, or flesh them out in later chapters, or even in later books. A certain about of leeway can be afforded so you don’t have to feel locked in. Just make sure that new details aren’t too drastically different from established norms, unless they’re a contrast like our good friend Ron.

6) Your moral compass: Briefly it’s also a good idea to know what your character’s values are, would they never kill, do they oppose mastication, that sort of thing. Again, morality can change over time, but rarely all at once.

What makes your characters distinct? What would be out of character?

4 Secrets To Great Kissing

Kissing tips are essential if you want to deliver a really excellent kiss. Here are the secrets you might be missing when it comes to kissing!
1. Women Love To Kiss

Certainly not the first time blokes heard of that one, women are nagging for it. But in spite of the flood of headlines for lip action, the response has come in short supply. Either that, or women just can’t get enough no matter what.

Get this. For the ladies, kissing is enough. While guys tend to see kisses as prelude to hot sex, women have no qualms seeing it as an end unto itself. For them, a kiss need not lead to anything, it doesn’t have to be foreplay. It can be a stand-alone, pleasurable, loving act unto itself.

Now, tell that to a horndog and he’ll bitch about how women are a bunch of tease. The XY brain has difficulty processing how women stay happy with simple lip locks when it knows that sex is up for grabs. “Let’s use the bed for goodnessakes!” When one already knows the ruckus of intercourse, kissing, by comparison, becomes lame.
2. Let Kissing Be Enough For You

But here’s the thing: To become a great kisser, accept the real possibility that tongue action may be all you’re getting in a given night.

Go kiss, but don’t expect clothes to come afalling every time. Relish the lip action, relax your jaws, lips & tongue, and don’t think of anything else. Avoid thoughts of sex. This alone already makes you a better kisser. When you’re not wondering where that last condom is, you do better.
3. Learn To Get Good If You Aren’t Already

To be a good kisser is an imperative, there is no other resort. When it comes to liplocks, a woman never excuses the lame ones. She believes she can find out everything just from the way a guy smooches. It’s crazy! She thinks she has this lip-guided intuition – and sloppy kissers always go down the drain. A terrible smooch can change her perception of you.

And guess what, women read something into good kissers – that they’re also studs between the sheets. When she thinks this, you’re making it easier for her to go va-voom with your flow. So read up on some kissing tips and don’t be shy about it!
4. Create Sexual Tension

Now, the secret to a great kiss is the psychological set-up. There has to be some sort of sexual tension‘ before your lips touch. Only dive when there’s enough tension.

Again, this entails teasing, you have to make her want it.

There are several ways to achieve this. You can for example gently caress her cheeks, chin, lips or hair before the kiss. Or look longingly into her eyes and survey her face. Lean in as if to kiss her, then stop a few centimeters before your lips touch, breathe deeply and give her a sigh. Or prelude it by rubbing noses. With eyes closed, you can also nuzzle around the cheekbone, neck and below the ear zone. Set the kiss right so she’ll appreciate it when you finally let her have it.